Vagrant Story: The Final Insult
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: UPDATED! The dead town of Lea Monde is about to get a sudden and violent influx of tourists... R&R please!
1. Ineptness is a Riskbreaker's best friend

Vagrant Story: The Final Insult

By Kingdom of Deke

Summary: Put simply, it's a parody of the wonderful Vagrant Story, where nothing is as it seems and everyone suffers from a marked lowering of intelligence. Hope y'all enjoy it!

Reviews please!

Chapter 1: Ineptness is a Riskbreaker's best friend  

Scene: Duke Bardorba's Manor.

Inside the manor the Captain of the Knights of the Cross, Romeo Guildenstern, can be seen in a heated discussion with one of the Mullenkamp cultists.

**Cultist: **And I say that the woman in 'The Crying Game' was actually a man!

**Guildenstern: **LIES!

Guildenstern runs the cultist through with his sword. As he retrieves the blade from the corpse a Crimson Blade walks into the room.

**Crimson Blade: **Sir?

**Guildenstern: **What is it? Have you found Sydney?

**Crimson Blade: **No sir. We've searched everywhere but have found no sign of him.

**Guildenstern: **Have you checked downstairs?

**Crimson Blade **(very much confused)**: **Down…stairs?

**Guildenstern: **Oh for god's…report to Neesa at once!

**Crimson Blade: **Yes sir!

The Crimson Blade salutes and runs out the door. Guildenstern shakes his head and sheathes his blade as he walks over to the window. He looks down at the Blades as they put out the fires and slaughter the Mullenkamp cultists, some simultaneously.

**Guildenstern: **You're in here somewhere Sydney. Sooner or later, I will find you.

**Sydney **(very faint, as if from a great distance)**: **No you won't.

**Guildenstern **(slightly bemused)**: **Yes I will.

**Sydney: **D'oh…

*****

Meanwhile, just outside the manor's entrance…

**Hardin: **Alright, let's show them we mean business! Set fire to the buildings and kill the hostages!

**Cultist #1 **(horrified)**: **Even the chickens?!

**Hardin **(very darkly)**: **_Especially _the chickens…

Hardin re-enters the manor.

**Cultist #2: **He hasn't been the same since the whole 'Pin the Tail on the Chicken' incident at last year's picnic.

**Cultist #1: **Mmm-hmm.

Cut to a man outside the walls of the manor. He is running towards the open gate at a fantastic lick, the reasons for this being that he had a mission to complete and the more important fact being that he was being chased by famished squirrels intent on devouring his nut scented parachute pants. His name is Ashley Riot, he is a Riskbreaker and is currently wishing that he hadn't let Merlose try out her new 'Fragrance of Nature' perfume on him.

**Ashley: **C'mon, c'mon…almost there…

From his viewpoint we can see a cultist suddenly pop into view within the gate. He is looking at the log jammed into the spokes of the gate wheel.

**Cultist: **Who put this here?

The cultist draws his sword and slices the log in two. The gate slams closed just as Ashley reaches the point where he can't stop in time.

**Ashley: **Oh shi-

**DONNNGGG!**

Ashley black out momentarily and wakes up just in time to see the squirrels gathered around him.

**Squirrel: **Dinnertime!

*****

A few minutes later inside the manor walls…

**Cultist #2 **(picks up a chicken)**: **You know, I don't think I'll ever get used to this.

**CRACK!**

**Cultist #1: **Look at it this way, we'll never be short of chicken nuggets ever again.

The cultists are startled form their chicken murdering duties by a worn out Ashley clambering over the wall and falling to the ground.

**Cultists 1 and 2: **An intruder!

The cultists rush Ashley but are quickly disposed of when Cultist #1 is jabbed in the eyes by Ashley's ludicrously hairstyle. Swinging his sword blindly, he decapitates Cultist #2 before tripping and falling onto his comrade's blade.

**Ashley: **Ha!Let that be a lesson to you…uh, corpses. Never challenge a Riskbreaker!

Ashley walks over to the manor's entrance, allowing the camera to see him from behind. At this angle we can see that the arse of his trousers has been eaten away, revealing his bare ass.

**Ashley: **Man, it's cold out here…

*****

A few minutes later…

Ashley is walking toward the double doors to the main hall when he hears voices behind it. Finding a safe hiding place he listens in.

**Sydney: **I don't care if it's the final episode of Friends, we're not leaving until we find the key! Now GO!

The doors burst open and two cultists lurch out, mumbling various obscenities. Ashley waits until they are gone, then sneaks up to the doors and peeks through the crack.

**Sydney: **Damn the Duke! Where did he hide it?

**Hardin: **We've been through this blasted mansion a dozen times and we still find naught. I think we have to accept that the key is not here!

**Sydney: **Quiet you! You're just antsy because of the presence of the Duke's prizewinning chickens.

Ashley notes the anguished look on Hardin's face.

**Hardin: **Well, what of the Blades? Dimwitted though they may be, they can still overpower us in terms of strength. We must leave now or face their wrath!

Sydney considers this.

**Sydney **(sighing)**: **Very well. Give the order to retreat, then fetch the Duke's son. I will be with you shortly.

Hardin nods before exiting via a side door. Ashley waits until Sydney turns his back to the doors before making his move. He dashes into the room and aims the crossbow (where the hell was he keeping it?!) at Sydney.

**Ashley: **SYDNEY!

Sydney stops reaching for his sword.

**Ashley: **Turn 'round slowly. I've got a crossbow aimed at your heart so no funny business!

Sydney turns around slowly to face Ashley. His expression of total boredom turns to light amusement when he lays eyes firstly on the fashion nightmare in front of him and secondly on the crossbow.

**Sydney: **What are you planning to do? Beat me senseless with your ammo-less weapon?

**Ashley: **Huh?

He looks at the crossbow and is horrified to realize that he had forgotten to load it…again.

**Ashley **(woefully trying deception)**: **There is TOO a crossbow bolt in here!

**Sydney **(still amused)**: **Really? Odd then, that I see nothing.

**Ashley **(puts on a spooky voice)**: **It's an illuuuuuusion!

**Sydney **(losing patience)**: **No it's not!

At this point Hardin re-enters the room with Joshua Bardorba under his arm. He spots Ashley.

**Hardin: **Who's the dork?

**Sydney: **No-one you need to be worried about at the moment. (Looks up towards the skylight) D'TOK!!

Answering the summons a Wyvern crashes through the skylight and lands clumsily between Ashley and the cultists. To be blunt, he's seen better days.

**D'tok: **RROOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR…URK!

D'tok keels over and dies due to the many wounds inflicted on him earlier by the Crimson Blades. Sydney looks pissed off.

**Sydney: **Damn it…come Hardin! We fly now to (says the last two words loud enough for Ashley to hear)LEA MONDE!

**Hardin: **My god! We really fly to (says it just as loud) LEA MONDE!

**Sydney: **Indeed. (to Ashley) Farewell Riskbreaker, I go now to a better place. That place being LEA MONDE!

Sydney, Hardin and Joshua crash through the giant stained glass window on the other side of the room. Ashley puts the crossbow back wherever he was keeping it and proceeds to walk to the gaping hole. When he's reached it he is confronted by the rising sun but no lunatic cultists. He looks down at the ground but is equally luckless in finding them. A flock of pigeons fly by.

**Ashley: **Damn! If only I knew where they were going…

Suddenly one of the pigeons lands near him.

**Pigeon **(pointing at a piece of paper at Ashley's feet)**: **Clue! Clue!

Ashley takes stock of this and spies the paper.

**Ashley: **My god, a clue! Thank you Mr. Pigeon! I'd kiss you if you weren't…oh, what the hell!

Ashley picks up the pigeon and gives him an almighty kiss. When he is put down again, the pigeon stumbles around for a few moments before keeling over stone dead.

**Ashley: **Why is that always happening to me?

Ashley picks up the paper and unfolds it. On it is written two words: Lea Monde. 

**Ashley: **Lea Monde…

At this point another flock of pigeons flies by. One of them notices the first pigeon's corpse.

**Pigeon **(anguished)**: **RALPH!

The other pigeons take notice, as does Ashley.

**Pigeon: **He killed my husband!

**Another Pigeon: **GET HIM!

The entire flock rushes toward Ashley.

**Ashley: **Whoa, just like in '82 man!

To Be Continued…


	2. Onward to that place everyone's going to...

Chapter 2: Onward to that place everyone's going to!

Scene: Duke Bardorba's Secondary Residence

The Duke, Jan Rosencrantz and two Faceless Aides are present.

**Duke: **So they have escaped then?

**Rosencrantz: **Indeed. The cultists have fled to Lea Monde with the Crimson Blades and the Riskbreaker in hot pursuit.

**Duke **(to Faceless Aide #1)**: **Send two of your men disguised as Knights of the Cross and have them set fire to the manor.

The two Faceless Aides exchange shocked glances while Rosencrantz finds an interesting crack in the floor to examine.

**Faceless Aide #1: **B-but my liege, what of your family…your _chickens_?!?

**Duke: **You fool! Since Sydney used his Wyvern, thousands of people have been flocking to the manor to uncover a conspiracy! They cannot be allowed be allowed to uncover the secrets lying within.

**Faceless Aide #2: **What secrets?

**Duke: **None of your business.

**Faceless Aide #1: **But what of your family and chickens?

**Duke: **My family were never present at the manor. They were merely taffy sculptors designed to confound the cultists. As for the chickens…if rumors are true that John Hardin was with the cultists that night then it is already too late.

**Faceless Aide #1: **…

**Duke: **Why are you still here? Burn the manor to the ground! BURN IT! BURN, BABY, BURN!

Faceless Aide #1 runs out of the bedroom. Duke Bardorba lies back in his bead and sighs. After a few minutes Rosencrantz speaks up.

**Rosencrantz: **Erm…my liege…?

**Duke: **Hmm…? Oh yes, Rosencrantz! Lea Monde is yours…

**Rosencrantz: **Really?! WOO-HOO! Talk about kick-ass real estate!

**Duke: **It's not a present you dolt! You are to deal with the cultists, the Knights and the Riskbreaker within the city walls. No one is to leave the city.

**Rosencrantz: **Very well my liege. I won't rest until everyone is either dead or worse!

**Duke: **Good lad. By the way, I understand you know the Riskbreaker personally.

**Rosencrantz: **That is true my liege. In fact, we were accepted into the Riskbreakers at the same time.

Flashback – a few years ago

Ashley and Rosencrantz are posing for identification photographs. They are wearing their uniforms for the first time (the ones they wear in the game) and wield the standard Riskbreaker cutlass.

**Ashley: **Even the mind-numbing violence of which I am now capable cannot stop me from feeling foolish in this costume.

**Rosencrantz: **I itch, Brother Riot.

End Flashback

**Duke: **Well that was pointless. Now get going!

**Rosencrantz: **Aye aye!

Rosencrantz leaves.

*****

Wine Cellar, Lea Monde…

Callo Merlose can be seen prowling around the first room of the cellar, studying two bodies. They have been run through with rapiers and in their blood has been written the most terrifying message:

"SYDNEY WOZ ERE"

With a thoughtful nod Merlose walked up the stairs to the outside, where Ashley waits.

**Ashley: **Well?

**Merlose: **I believe Sydney has passed through here.

**Ashley **(gazing at the city in the distance)**: **So then, we head into…um…

**Merlose **(sighing)**: **Lea Monde…

**Ashley: **Right, right! Let's get going!

Ashley makes his way toward the city only to be stopped by Merlose.

**Merlose: **What are you doing!?

**Ashley: **I'm walking toward the city. This is the fastest way after all.

**Merlose: **What about the chasm?

**Ashley: **What chasm?

Merlose stares at Ashley dumfounded, then indicates the ultra-obvious chasm with a sweeping gesture with her arm.

**Ashley: **Couldn't we just jump over it?

**Merlose:** …May I ask you a question?

**Ashley: **Go ahead.

**Merlose: **How the hell did you ever become a Riskbreaker? Was it a 'Send in twelve breakfast cereal packets and get free membership with the VKPs elite squad' competition or what?

**Ashley: **…

**Merlose: **Follow me.

Ashley follows Merlose down into the cellar. After Ashley had a good gawk at the bodies she points to fall the door.

**Merlose: **This should lead directly into the city.

Ashley walks over to the door as Merlose exits the cellar again.

**Ashley: **Are you sure?

**Merlose **(entering with a Judas Cradle)**: **Positive. It's a longer route probably filled with dangers but it's the only way in. Can you help me with this stuff?

**Ashley: **Okay.

After a few minutes of hefting and lifting Merlose and Ashley bring in the final piece of equipment, which happens to be a small cauldron filled with hot coals and branding irons. Ashley has a quick glance around at the items, which include a rack, an Iron Maiden, a Breast Ripper and worst of all, a CD entitled 'Lyte Funky Ones – The Greatest Hits'.

**Ashley: **Are you sure you'll be needing all this stuff?

**Merlose: **Of course! All good Inquisitors need a full range of torturing equipment. Now go find me some cultists to inquisit STAT!

**Ashley: **Yes ma'am.

Ashley opens the door and is about to exit when…

**Merlose: **Ashley.

**Ashley: **Yeah?

**Merlose: **If you do find Sydney, be careful. Some speak of him as a demon from the deepest pits of hell; others see him as a prophet from the heavens while still others believe he is the reincarnation of Donald Duck, though I wouldn't put too much stock in what they say.

**Ashley: **All right, I'll be careful.

**Merlose: **And try not to upset any more birds while you're in there. When you came into the VKP offices this morning everyone thought Frosty the Snowman had come to life.

Ashley turns an incredible shade of red before exiting through the door, closing it behind him. Merlose starts setting up her makeshift torture chamber when she realizes she's forgotten something.

**Merlose: **Dang. Must've dropped that Cat O' Nine Tails outside…

She walks up the stairs and looks up to find Sydney standing at the top, holding the leather whip in his hands.

**Sydney: **Looking for this?

Quick as a flash Merlose whips out a crossbow.

**Merlose: **I'm warning you, one wrong move and I'll shoot!

**Sydney **(using the Dark)**: **No you won't.

**Merlose **(in a trance)**: **No-I-won't.

Sydney smiles smugly as Merlose tosses the crossbow to him. The second he grabs it she comes out of the trance.

**Merlose: **D'OH!

To Be Continued…


End file.
